If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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