Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I came so hard my ears popped.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
