nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
