One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
