First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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