Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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