i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
