and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
