They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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