Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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