It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My feet surprised me
Randomize
