A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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