Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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