consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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