Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
