The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
