This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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