I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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