Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
