Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
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Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
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But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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