She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
my phone needs a breathalizer
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
