in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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