There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
