Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
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He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
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He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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