She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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