Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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