my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
