I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
