If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
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do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
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He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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