the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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