I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
