You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
