Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
