Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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