I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
