I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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