I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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