i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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