i permit you to call me
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
