He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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