New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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