I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
There r osticjed everywhere
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
