someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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