id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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