those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
