i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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