my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
