So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You dont lie about slip and slides
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
