The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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