I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
