That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
