i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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