I would go down on you faster than GM stock
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I checked into jail on foursquare
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
