90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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