Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
it was like eating out sand paper
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
