I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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