I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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