At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
