New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
